The Bullshit Observer

Bill O'Reilly Explodes On Screen

So this goes up on May 12th, 2008 and features Bill O'Reilly completely losing his shit. Then this goes up one day later featuring the same footage of Bill cut up and mixed together with a nice dancable techno beat: This is what I love about the web. LOL

Incidentally, in addition to being a complete dickhead commentator who famously told the city of San Francisco that he hopes it gets blown up by a terrorist , "Bill O'Reilly" is also a verb in the Urban Dictionary which means to Interrupt someone with childish antics.

Dear Hot Girl I'm Not Looking At,

Yeah, I saw you over there. I have indeed noticed you. And though I am not looking at you now, the peeved look your face tells me to stop looking at you. Since I'm not, I'd appreciate it if you please stop scowling at me. Yes, I'm sure you get a lot of male attention and I can see by your expression that you'd rather not have that because it creeps you out. So let me explain something very fundamental to you about male behavior.

Undersexed males are casually attracted to the entire female population of our species (and for some, rurally located males, it extends out from there). So you should not take male attention as some kind of social irritant that certain guys have a choice about or that their lust is really directed AT you per se. 

Though you may be getting a bit more of this kind of attention than less attractive women, the phenomenon itself is hard-wired into men. In other words, men don't really have a choice about whether they glance over at you or not. They don't really have a choice about picturing you naked and in 7 different sexual positions within the time-frame of that one mili-glance. It's an automatic, like that cute thing you do with your hair without even noticing you're doing it. A reflex. So while it may creep you out, you need to get over that, babe. Because it's just a fact of life. It's a natural thing that's not even about you really.  Maybe you'll even learn to enjoy and appreciate it like European women do. You can even hold their gaze and notice their humanity. Men are actually beautiful human beings. Your dad was a man.

By the way, nice ass.

Gay Marriage, Yaaaaaaay!

It's time to celebrate people!!!  Party hats on. Snap to it (clap clap). And Paul dear, no no, thh-treamers go over there. WHERE ARE THE BALOONS!? Rafael was supposed to bring the balloons. Where is he? Where - oh my god - I am just going to KILL HIM.

Guess what? The Supreme law-interpreters in the state of California have decided that the ban on gay marriage is not consistent with the constitution, that's what.

In their words:

The question we must address is whether...the failure to designate the official relationship of same-sex couples as marriage violates the California Constitution.

They are careful to point out that it's not their gig to decide policy. They just interpret the constitution.

Interestingly, they cite a 1948 case that states that a California law banning inter-racial marriages (around since the state's inception) was inconsistent with the fundamental constitutional right to marry and further stated that this case proves that history and "custom" is not the best guide.

The State Attorney general tried to argue that we can give all the legal rights to same sex couples without actually calling it marriage. The justices said, basically, nice try buddy boy but the constitution explicitly grants to the people the right to marry. So, yeah, it's called marriage and trying to give gays a different legal name for their union is in violation of their constitutional rights to, ahem, marry.

I challenge anyone out there to give a clearly reasoned argument about why gay marriage is a bad thing. Frankly, I think celebrity marriage is more harmful to the institution of marriage (if you want to look at it that way) than anything else. 

And let's remember why marriage exists in the first place. Marriage exists because ancient societies needed a system of rules to handle the granting of property rights, and the protection of bloodlines. The institution of marriage handled that. The church didn’t get involved until the 1500’s when the Council of Trent (a Cathoic Church thing) felt that someone should witness the affair. The tie between religion and marriage is a leftover from when there was no separation of church and state. The romantic notion of marriage didn't come until the 1700's.

Speaking of romantic notions, Ellen Degeneres' response to the news was to announce her engagement to longtime g-friend Portia.

West Virginians Exercise Their Right To Utter Stupidity

Hi-owdy. We've got the 'lection comin' tuh West Virginia and there's quite a hub-bub raised about this O-bama fella runnin'. First of all, he's black and that makes us a little scared cuz them gots issues with us white folk from way back. And what's more, his middle nayme is Hussein. I thank we've had enough of the Hussein people - if you know what I mean. So all 'n all, O-bama makes all of us here in West Virginia prit-tty nervous. We're got to protect what we got and freedom is not something that should be taken for granted. We've got the liberties of our childrin tuh thank about for the future, ya know.

Mother nature does indeed have a plan in place to cull the human race. It's a good one, too. Although, it's not what you might think. She's not going to rub us out through natural disasters, disease or even scarcity. Nope, the plan is that we're going to rub ourselves out. Sounds pretty dumb, huh? After all, we're humans, right? We're comparatively smart.

Well, yes and no. For some reason, these days the dumber we are, the more kids we have. It appears that Darwinism has reached a point with our species where it's kinda gone sideways and turned over and smashed into a tree. The dumber of the species are proliferating and hence starting to dominate the gene pool. As a result, the quality of intelligence is getting rarer and rarer and the species is actually devolving. We're getting less and less civilized, more irrationally fearful, and more violent. See West Virginia. See George Bush. See Iraq. Oh, and please see Idiocracy:

Cheerios Wants You To Find A Rock

It was advertised on a box of Cheerios: Free book inside.

"A book inside? Finally, a marketing ploy that I can get behind," I thought to myself. The program was called Spoonfuls of Stories and it featured a series of several children's books. Apparently they've been doing this for years. Go General Mills!

We ripped open the box, bursting with anticipation, and discovered the book entitled "Everyone Needs A Rock." I was a little dumbfounded, I have to admit. I got that scrunched up look on my face that I get when something we just bought breaks. But then, still a little drunk with the joy of finding a marketing gimmick that didn't make me cringe or want to puke, I thought that maybe there's some really deep and wise moral behind it. Something really profound. Something about nature and how we are but infinitesimal specks in a vast and ever-changing universe and that no matter how difficult our life seems, when viewed through this lens, it really isn't that tough.

Actually no. It was about how you need to go outside, find a rock, put in your pocket, and carry it around indefinitely. What kind of fucking horse shit is that? What is General Mills trying to do to me? Filling my kid with ideas about carrying stones in his pockets. Next thing you know we have a three-room rock collection and the kid winds up a professor of geology at some community college making $38,000 a year and his best friends are inanimate.

The first two sentences of the book (I shit you not) read, "Everyone needs a rock. I'm sorry for everyone who doesn't have a rock for a friend." Then it proceeds to go into the author's ten rules for finding a rock that might make a good pal. 

I thought it was supposed to be HARD to get your children's books published. Everyone says, "Oh, Children's Books, you really shouldn't even try to get one published it's so hard. Just put that manuscript  in the drawer and make a documentary or broker an Israeli/Palestinian peace deal or something." Apparently, all you need is to have is a stupid-ass idea and the guts to type it out and send it in.

"Rule number three for finding a rock: Bend over."

You think I'm lying, don't you? I would think I was lying too if I didn't just pick the book up and randomly open it to rule #3's page. I'd think that this Bullshit Observer guy is just some wacko who exaggerates a lot for a laugh. Not even, my friend. Not today anyway. Today I quoteth the book of rock.

"Rule number four: don't get a rock that is too big."

OOOOKAY. Now I'm offended. The Cheerios think we're retarded. Like we're going to grab a stone that belongs as part of a fucking footpath and try to adopt the fucking thing.

"Rule number eight: The shape of the rock is up to you."

So as you can see, it doesn't get any better. You can imagine my chagrin as I furiously flip through the book trying to stumble on the underlying message and come up empty-handed. General Mills claims that the book is about, “...how joy is abundant in the quiet and beauty of nature.”

Now I'm definitely looking for a rock.

Drink Brawndo And Win At Yelling!!!!

I had a sugar free Full Throttle last night on the way home from work. I suddenly had the urge to run home from BART. I ran up a very steep hill and into my house. Then I ran around getting the kids ready for bed. Then I ran upstairs and laid down with one of my kids. Then I ran downstairs and voraciously consumed content on the Internet. Then I ran to bed and went to sleep. Where I had dreams about running.

That's why this video made me laugh. It's an ad for a fake energy drink that is now a real energy drink. Originally conceived for the movie Idiocracy.

Please drink responsibly.

Brawndo the thirst mutilator
It's like a monster truck that you can pour into your face.
It's got electrolytes
What are electrolytes?
I don't know but they're extremely awesome
and Brawndo is full of them
and they help plants grow
Which is why you should drink Brawndo instead of water
Because water is from the toilet and I've never seen plants grow out of a toilet
It's got caffeine (super extra caffeine)
and five kinds of sugar
which makes it delicious
and better than other kinds of energy drinks that are not delicious
Drinking it makes you wonder why you've never crushed a human skull with your bare hands
But you won't have to because you already know that Brawndo tastes how that would feel
which is like having sex with the tractor trailer in a parking lot
I just split my pants like the incredible hulk
See that? Brawndo will make you need new pants
and while you're out buying new pants you should pick up new shoes
because you're going to wear out your shoes from kicking everyone's ass all the time.
Brawndo will make you want to kick everyone's ass all the time
which might be good or bad but either way you're going to win
because Brawndo will make you win in things that you're not even supposed to win at
Like Yelling
Brawndo will make you win at yelling
Or instead of yelling maybe something else like jumping or waving
because you'll be able to wave your hands really fast
and you'll probably become invisible
which doesn't even make any sense
but if that doesn't happen then you'll probably just end up running somewhere
Which is good if you like running, but even if you don't Brawndo will help you win at exercise.

10 Things I Learned From George Bush

It is tempting to try and put these cataclysmic seven years behind us and focus on the future. But I think that would be missing a huge opportunity to learn. Some day there will be multiple generations who did not live through this kind of Presidency and they will benefit from our wisdom. So far, here is what I'm taking away from the past few years.

1. Our system of government can be manipulated and twisted by a relatively small group of well-placed people into something more closely resembling a monarchy. It can probably be distorted in other ways too.
   
2. People in the US are more comfortable with fear than they are with most other emotions. Fear is the most persuasive motivator because people are already inclined to favor it. One fear can be fed and maintained for a very very long time.
3. Government organizations can be used in ways that run counter to their stated purpose. The Justice Department can be the tool of the unjust, the Environmental Protection Agency can be used to remove Environmental protections, the Food & Drug Administration can be used to dispel concerns about unsafe consumables so that they may be rushed to market. Everything is on the table.
4. One of the fatal flaws in our current system is that there are no built-in checks on corporations. They have so much power that they are, essentially, a fourth branch of government.
5. I've learned that if you get the news media on board, you can do just about anything you want as a President. Really anything.
   
6. That if people buy into the "collective me" and that "collective me" has a mind-set that feeds on fear and aggression, a society can become a monster. Good people can be capable of heinous crimes.
7. I've learned that this is all very very hard to put into perspective, but that humor helps me cope with it.
8. I've learned that in difficult times, the arts tend to thrive (not monetarily per se, but creatively for sure).
9. I've learned about how much I have in common with roughly 50% of this country.
10. Americans should stop voting for the guy they'd most like to have a beer with.

Here are some things that some of my users have said they learned: 

1. People love being lied to, if the lie is what they want to hear.
2. Our confidence in the system is all out of proportion to the reliability of the system.
3. People hate evidence when it won't let them believe what they want.
4. People resist thinking about the reasons why they do what they do or why they believe what they believe.
5. You can fool ENOUGH of the people ENOUGH of the time.
6. It takes an awful lot to motivate people today. 

 

Greed Is Good...for the Greedy

Miley Cyrus To Write Book About The Last 15 Years

Miley Cyrus, the 15 year old star of the totally amazingly popular Disney "Hannah Montana" franchise, has signed a seven-figure book deal to tell the story of her life.

"I am, like, so totally excited to let my many fans in on how important my relationship with my family is to me," Cyrus sort of said in a statement. "I hope to motivate mothers and daughters to build awesome memories together and inspire kids around the world to believe in their dreams like I did."

Dear diary, Isn't she great? So adorable. I just know we're going to be best friends some day.

I mean, like, a star with lesser character would have waited until they posed for Hefner, got a regular coke dealer, went to rehab at least three times, had xxx videos of her having sex with a farm animal go viral on You Tube, get married to a mediocre bad boy rapper, get divorced, get pregnant by someone she met in a Miami night club, and fail utterly as a parent before deciding that it was all worth jotting down.

“It’s rare that you hear from someone her age that they want to talk about their family,” Disney Book Group publisher Jeanne Mosure told The New York Times.

OMG! I can't wait for the chapter about that time she got grounded, but totally, like, learned her lesson about how her mom really did know best. Or the chapter about that boy who tried to go to second base with her but how she stopped him because she wasn't ready and he totally respected her anyway.

The book is to be released in the Spring of 2009 when Miley turns sixteen and a half. 

If you're going to make an ad for a bidet

...this would be the one to make.

I think, as an advertising creative on the LooLoo, you'd have a hard time getting around the fact that water from the product is supposed to shoot into your privates and that it would have to feel good. The good feeling would have to be quasi-sexual and hence your product gives orgasms. That's just how advertising works. LooLoo automatically equals oooh yeah.

Go, George, Go

Today marks the fifth anniversary of the famed "Mission Accomplished" speech. It would be easy to let that milestone just wash over you like, well...like a whoosh of hot air, but let's take a moment to put it all into perspective. Not only is the Iraq war not an accomplished mission, but it is one of the four longest running wars our country has ever fought.  In fact, if you count Afghanistan, President Bush has initiated and presided over two out of four of America's longest running wars IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES. 

That's right. Only the Vietnam War (August 1964 to January 1973) and the Revolutionary War (July 1776 to April 1783) have engaged America longer. He's definitely earned some kind of award. Something befitting one of the most significant presidents in the history of our nation. I was thinking maybe having a sewage treatment plant named after him.

Bush, in a speech earlier this month, said that "while this war is difficult, it is not endless." And then probably whispered sharply, "Dick, stop nibbling my ear when I'm talking to the people. You know how, how that makes me... I can't - I can't concen-stop it!"

 

Welcome To the George W. Bush Sewage Treatment Plant

A group of San Franciscans who call themselves "Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco" is pushing to honor President Bush by renaming the city’s Oceanside Wastewater Treatment Facility for him the day he leaves office. They're hoping to make the November ballot. I'm betting they will.

The group's website reads:

“As we near the end of George W Bush’s presidency, we think it is important to select a fitting monument to this president’s work. We believe this is an appropriate honor for a truly unique president. If you think so too, join this grassroots movement to rename this important and iconic landmark in his honor.”

Mike DeNunzio, who chairs the San Francisco Republican Assembly, called the idea embarrassing. “The proponents are fools who care very little about the reputation of our fair and beautiful city.” Awww Mike, don't be mad. I think history will judge it to be very apropos.

You can voice your vote on this important issue over here. Feel free to vote more than once.

I'm sorta not a big deal

I'm not famous for anything. People don't know my name. Nobody remembers all the things I've done to shape the human landscape of ideas. My name is not synonymous with anything except perhaps my face.

My big problem, of course, is that I'm too modest. I'm not weighted down by the demands of a super-sized ego. Not only do I not walk around mentioning all the things I've invented, I don't even really keep track of them all. I don't name drop or casually throw into EVERY SINGLE conversation the fact that I came up with that thing that everyone's doing or saying.

But that means that all the people who are big blow-hards with office-park-sized egos get all the fuckin' glory. Plenty of them get glory for the things they haven't actually done, but have nonetheless laid claim to. There are lots of famous things out there with multiple people laying claim to them. But they can't all have been doing that thing before anyone else was doing it. In fact, chances are it wasn't any of them. But there they go anyway, branding themselves as the pioneering trailblazer. As a result, people attribute more credibility to these ego-maniacs even if they do secretly snicker behind the guy's back about how much of a bore they are. The bore picks the fruit of the labor of people like me who are too modest to pick it.

There is no glory for us true forward thinkers. We don't get state-sanctioned holidays named after us. And I sure as shootin' ain't getting rich. I'm just a stock boy in the marketplace of ideas, pal. Pulling things out of my head and putting them on the shelves. Price tag: free. Come one, come all. Don't mind the kid in the navy blue smock.  He just works here.

Christopher Walken: Weapon of Choice

Christopher Walken stars in this funny broadway-style musical music video for Fatboy Slim's Weapon of Choice directed by Spike Jonze.

British mixmaster and Hollywood bad boy from a bygone era - a strange combination that's a long long way from a deranged deer hunter in that Saigon saloon. And that's why I bring it up.

It's easy for mainstream audiences to forget that actors have a background that is more varied and a talent that is much more versatile than mainstream audiences give them credit for. Actors like Walken, Jack Nicholson, and Judy Dench reach a point in their careers where they are synonymous with a certain style. For example, Walken delivers a fantastically Walken-esque performance in Man on Fire with Denzel Washington where it takes him two minutes to deliver this short line.

A man can be an artist... in anything, food, whatever. It depends on how good he is at it. Creasey's art is death. He's about to paint his masterpiece.

We love the way he chops up his lines into delicious little pieces and chews slowly, savoring every little morsel. But that's not all he can do. Not by a long shot.

Unless you were a dedicated fan of off-Broadway productions in the '60s and '70s, you won't remember Christopher Walken starring in a number of comedy/musicals. You remember Annie Hall where he plays a guy on the brink of suicide, Deer Hunter, Dogs of War, Dead Zone, True Romance, Suicide Kings, Stepford Wives, Man on Fire, and Kevin Spacey's famously brilliant immitation of a Walken performance.

We think he's a bad boy. We think he's a psycho. We think we know who he is, but really we have no idea what he's capable of. We don't know the half of it.

And the point I would like to make here is that same thing goes for you. You've reached a certain point in your career where you know how to do a few things really well. You've been hired for them. You become known for them. But there's more to you. You have other talents. Other gifts. Revisit them. Explore them.

As Fatboy sings, "You can go with this or you can go with that."   

(thanks to Sean for the link.)

The Media & How It Sold Out

A lively discussion is taking place in the journalist community in the wake of a recent NYT article that illustrates how the media was complicit in the selling of the completely unjust Iraq war. In other words, specifically the words of Salon writer Glenn Reynolds, " These media outlets were uncritically amplifying government claims, i.e., acting as propaganda arms for the Government." More exactly, the media outlets such as CNN were putting only pro-war, pentagon-approved military commentators on camera when we invaded. Unfiltered propaganda that would have done Stalin and Chairman Mao proud.

There's a lot more to it and you can read all about it here, here, and here. Or you can get the video version here:

I don't know if any of this strikes you as wrong. Does it make you mad? Does it get your blood boiling? Does it make you want to rage in the streets?

Would it help if you knew that the program was illegal? The Government Accountability Office calls anything that originated in a Government agency but was made to look like it came from a third party an illegal propaganda. Rumsfeld's perverted stance was that you need to win the struggle for American hearts and minds in order to win the war on terror and that's why he was willing to break the law to do it.

What about if you knew that some of the Pentagon's retired military pundits that they recruited to help them sell the war were also selling body armor and counterintelligence services to the Pentagon . So this is at the same time they were going on television and saying that the war was a good and necessary thing.

I have to puke.

Okay, I'm back.

Evidently, a government must go past gross malpractice, deceit, and lawlessness before a population and it's media watchdogs hold them accountable. I wonder, would future Bush's and Cheney's be able to go all the way to totalitarianism or fascism before the people would rise up? If so, that's both a shame and a conundrum. Because I'm afraid that then it would be far far too late because the voices that might have spoken first and ignited such a thing would be in jail or in hiding.