Something for everyone on your gift list this year:
GREETING CARD: Happy Birthday Jesus ($3.00):
Everyone needs a card in which to send out their folded up 8 1/2 x11 Christmas letter. Here's one from Bald Guy Greetings that says, "Happy Birthday Jesus," and when you open it, "This is actually a birthday card form a Hispanic guy named Jesus. But I think it works for Christmas, too."
STOCKING STUFFER: Jesus Action Figure (8.95)
Everyone has a different take on Jesus. Muslims saw him as a prophet. Buddhists say he was enlightened. Hindus consider him a diety, while Christians call him the Son of God. Of course, we all know that he was just a guy who started a religion that led directly to the slaughter of millions of innocent people and the success of countless porn shops throughout the South. He features posable arms that reach toward the heavens.
STOCKING STUFFER: G.W. Bush Toilet Paper ($7.00)
Sure, it's expensive for toilet paper. But the satisfaction you get by wiping your tooshie with this fucking moron's face is practically priceless. So, unlike the Iraq war, you come out ahead in the long run. It features some of his primo fuckups like this one, "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption," or this one, "Bring 'em on." Aside from watching his administration crumble around him, wiping our ass with Bush's visage is about the only satisfaction liberals can get these days.
FOR GUYS: Wake Up To The Big O ($25.00)
The new Orgasmo Alarm Clock will wake you up to the sound of a woman having a really satisfying orgasm. The perfect gift to get him if you two are trying to maintain an impossible long-distance relationship.
FOR GAMERS: Pong T-shirt ($25.99)
Animated PONG t-shirt for the gamer in the family.
FOR HIM: The TRX Suspension Workout System ($199.99)
Get him the gift that says, “Get THE FUCK off your ass you whiny little walrus turd. In fact, gimme 50 right goddamn now. Comeon, push em' out you twinkle toes weasel-fuck." Cuz that’s what giving’s all about. The TRX Suspension workout is something that you can take anywhere and do anytime.
BOOK: Love Hotels ($26.40)
A coffee table book that showcases the amazing creativity of the Japanese sex drive. Great conversation starter – especially if the conversation is with a special someone.
BOOK: Your Call Is Very Important To Us: The Truth About Bullshit ($10.63)
Author Laura Penny disects the, "culture of globalized, super-sized, consumerized b.s," and leaves the carcass open for all to see.
FOR THE KIDDIES: Hazmat Clean Up Crew ($4.49)
Poor bastards might as well learn the harsh realities of what causes the climate crisis before they consider them harsh realities. That way, when they’re 12 or 15, donning a gas mask or Hazmat suit will seem, you know, kinda normal.
OFFICE FUN: The Teddy Bear Gun
It’s not a toy. It’s a metaphor. If only all guns shot teddy bears, then the world would be a beautiful place. Oh shut up, I’m kidding.
OFFICE FUN: The Office Space Kit: $14.95.
Know someone who would just love a red Swingline to do their binding together of disparate papers to make a document? Does that person often forget to attach a cover sheet to their TPS reports? Have they had, or are currently having a case of the Mondays? The Office Space Kit is made for them. Here's what they get:
* Milton’s Red Stapler
* Lumbergh’s Initech Mug
* “Is this Good for the Company?” Sign
* Starter “Flair”
* “PC Load Letter” Copy Machine Sticker
* Your Very Own “Jump To Conclusions” Mat
* A Humorous 32-Page Book (Complete with TPS Report Covers)