For years, when people have watched me eat they say the same thing, "My God, you just inhaled that (insert food item here, usually a burrito)." Sometimes I'll be "eating" with someone and they'll suddenly notice that my food is gone even though they never saw me take a bite - nothing but a couple of small sauce splotches left on my plate.
My motto is: When you're gathered around the kill with the other hunters, eat fast and take big bites. I'm sure that's how my people survived. After all, you don't "dine" when you only get maybe 4 big-game kills a summer. No, you inhale...cuz someone's going to bed hungry that night and it ain't going to be me.
Then again, it's 2009 and we gather around all-you-can-eat buffets, not dead buffaloes that are still a little twitchy. But instincts, they die hard.
So eating fast is one kind of inhaling. Then there's what scientist and Harvard University professor David Edwards has recently invented which is call Le Whif - a revolutionary gadget that lets you breathe in different chocolates and eventually other foodstuffs.
Edwards said: "Over the centuries we've been eating smaller and smaller quantities at shorter and shorter intervals. It seemed to us that eating was tending toward breathing, so, with a mix of culinary art and aerosol science, we've helped move eating habits to their logical conclusion."
Actually, I think America consumes bigger portions at the regular intervals. Hence all the tub-o-lards. But whatever, he's a Harvard scientist so I'll go with him on that.
He calls it whiffing. The chocolate, you see, is a very fine powder in a small plastic cylinder (OMG, this guy is like a total coke-head with a bad chocolate craving). You inhale it - I'm unclear whether it's through the nose or mouth). According to Edwards, the particles don't go into your lungs because they're too big. Unfortunately he doesn't tell us where they do go. No doubt you'll wind up with 4lbs of high-grade Ghirardelli shoved up your nose or in the back of your throat when it's all said and done. Hmm, can't wait until they invent the chicken waffle inhaler system so that I can have that wedged all up in my nasal passages.
But then again, zero calories.
"Chocolate is only the beginning - we're going to be unveiling more different types of food in the future," crows Edwards.
I can't wait to inhale a 7 square foot slice of tiramasu. But then again, I ain't goanna hold my breath for that.
If you want to buy one, they're here.