The Bullshit Observer

10 Things To Do Instead of Writing Stupid Lists That Really Anyone Could Write

If you're just sitting around, like dozens of people today are, and you feel an urge to write a list of things that you plan on sharing with the world, a top ten list, say... or perhaps it's the Top 10 Most Annoying Characters on TV, or Top 10 remarkable engineers of all time or perhaps even Lindsay Lohan's top 10 favorite sexual positions while she's hopped up on crack and hanging out at some photographer's house, whatever, just STOP yourself, please, and consider a few other, let's say 10, activities that those of us out in the world would rather you partook in.

1) Start a boy band: It seems there's a niche currently. You'll need to assemble a group of good looking young boys who can dance and cover the incredibly large spectrum of personality types between rebel and brooding rebel. Then figure out what your hair styles are going to be. There...you're done.

2) Learn to etch glass with a rotary tool.  Etched decorations never go out of style. Mainly because they're never in style to begin with. They exist above the whole style paradigm. Give one to your loved one. They'll be so touched.

3) Take Full Advantage of Your Former Employer's Outplacement Service. There are strong professionals in this field who will guide and instruct you on how to get another job in your field. If that doesn't work, consider a new career as an outplacement professional!

4) Resolve yourself to take better care of your tattoo. Cleaning it with antibacterial soap, applying Aquaphor ointment in thin layers and using non-scented lotion can help your stupid fucking tattoo of Woody Woodpecker look its best.

5) Remove the blood stain from the drapes. Yes, it might add to the intrigue of your pad, but also clashes with the carpet. First thing to remember is that blood is protein and proteins require cold water. If the blood's been around awhile, you might want to use cold water with Oxyclean. That's what, er, I've heard anyway.

6) Learn how to read sheet music. Don't just play the music, feeeeeeelll the music. That's it...you'll be Stairwaying To Heaven in no time. 

7) Chip in your time on a missing person's search and rescue. Clearly you have oodles of time, so don't be selfish. Check the local hospitals. Over 2,000 people go missing every single day. You could be one of them. Hey, seriously, are you one of them?

8) Go fuck with that army of ants that lives in the corner behind the wall. You've seen the scouts. You know what the're looking for. The time has come to draw out the herd and squash them. Bring home one of those free candy suckers from the laundry mat and put it out for them. Wait till the ant highway is like 5 lanes each way - then douse them with maple syrup and watch them drown in their own version of a happy meal. Oh, you're so sick.

9) Try to decide between bankruptsy or forclosure. You don't really need both. You could potentially file for bankruptsy and exempt your home from the asset list that debtors can access. In any case, you'll need some time to ponder this and that's time you won't be spending cluttering the world with your top 10 lists that really anyone could write. 

10) Pray. Start praying a simple prayer... for example "God what is my purpose on this earth". Get in a habit of waiting for his response before doing anything else. 

What Is This Food I Am Eating?: Refried Beans Edition

I was thinking about starting a blog where I just talk about the food that we, as Americans, stuff our faces with everyday without really knowing what it is. I've seen some troubling trends popping up in the food industry (and in the corporate world in general) that lead me to believe that the companies that make food are more interested in profits than our collective health.

Hmm. OK, perhaps I didn't phrase that quite strongly enough...they could not give TWO SHITS about you or your health. They SIMPLY DO NOT CARE. Not one little bit. They know that you are taste and price driven, but that you do care about the health profile of the food you eat. You think with your buds and your wallet, but you check-check for certain things on the label. So they know they have to assuage your fears by covering off on some of the hot button issues (Low Sodium! Reduced Fat!) without really changing anything at all - particularly not the flavor. Because they are heavily invested in the chemical engineering of their food products' flavors. Ho boy. 

And while it is quite yummy indeed, the bottom line is that we're buying and eating platefuls of nutrient-laced poison without really knowing it. Over time, this will contribute to, if not directly lead to obesity, diabetes, high-blood pressure, high-cholesterol and eventually an early death. 

So to demonstrate this suspicion, I just went to my cupboard and grabbed the first can of food that I saw. Right there in front, next to the Amy's Tomato Soup (you're next Amy), is Rosarita No Fat Zesty Salsa Flavored Refried Beans. Wow, the name itself is mouthful enough. But let's take a look at all the yummy ingredients.

Seems innocuous enough: Cooked beans (thank god) is the first ingredient. Then we have water, red bell peppers, tomato puree, and green bell peppers. All good stuff. Then it says, "Less than 2% of: salt, distilled vinegar, jalepenos, chile pepper, dehydrated onions, spices, tomatoes, green chilies, garlic powder. Then it closes with, "May contain soy."

None of these things concern me, except perhaps for their inability to pinpoint exactly how soy is getting into their airtight little cans of beans and then keep that from happening. Let's skip over that for the moment.

It says, "Less than 2%," and then lists salt. As you may know, salt, even in very small amounts, can be quite bad for you. In the case of Rosarita's frijoles, we have about eleven pinches of salt in every can (2100mg/can, 150mg/pinch). Now, yes, while we do need salt in our diet to help us transport nutrients and transmit nerve impulses etc, we really only need 2-3 pinches worth per day (250-500mg/day). And yet, Rosarita wants to give you much more than that with ONE LITTLE SIDE-DISH WORTH of her product. If everything you ate for the day had that much sodium (which, let's face it, too much of it does), you will regularly be getting something like TEN TIMES the amount of sodium that your body requires.

Okay, so Rosarita = cardio vascular disease? Not exactly. But it could be a contributing factor.

Now let's say that Rosarita decides that too many people get wise and start looking at the sodium levels on the nutrition facts section of their lovely can of beans. This might tend to retard sales a bit. But it's an easy fix. You roll out the Low Sodium version of your product that only has 1800 miligrams of sodium per can. Oh, my, yes. That's SOOOOOOO much better for you. Yes, thank you Dr. Death. We're all breathing (and farting) a huge sigh of relief. The shopper sees the "NEW! LOW SALT!" snipe on the can and they think everything's copescetic. But it's not. It's pretty nearly just as bad for you.

My point (and the point of The Center For Science In The Public Interest) is that all of the packaged goods companies are doing this in some way or other. They don't think about whether they're really asking you to eat your entire daily allotment of sodium and more in one side-dish at lunch. It doesn't even register. They just know it needs to taste good, needs to be priced right, and needs to be at eye-level in all the stores. That's the extent of their thought process. And we, as consumers, are not thinking much more about it than they are. And the combination of these two things is killing us sooner than old age.

Okay, I'll shut up now.

Symptoms Of Swine Flu

Here's Dr. Joe Bresee, the Branch Chief, in the branch of Epidemiology and Prevention of the CDC's Influenza Division explains in his most boring monotone voice how the symptoms of Swine Flu are pretty much exactly the same as the symptoms of any other flu. He recommends the same exact precautions and basically the same exact treatment as one might expect to hear for regular flu. In short, what the hell?
Seriously, I just have to wonder exactly what is getting done right now in the halls of power while the world is preoccupied with this vapid threat. What sort of raping and pillaging is going on while the magician has us distracted with this pig in a top hat?

Does Swine Flu Taste Like Bird Flu?

I've got swine flu on my mind these days and you want to know why? Because the media put it there. It's not because of the dead people. After all, far fewer people have died from swine flu than died of the regular puke your guts out flu (60,000 a year in the US). Further, the only place it seems to be presenting itself as a deadly flu is in Mexico. And I hate to point this out, but the health care system in Mexico ranks just above witch-doctor-with-a-buck-knife on the quality meter.

And how did this flu get that name anyway. Swine. Seems a little uppity for a virus. I suppose the term influenza wasn't exotic enough.

Wherever the name came from one thing is for sure, the Israelis are very unhappy about it. Their religion, they say, prevents the consumption of pork. Except, you don't get this flu by consuming pork. Hence, I'm not sure how this ties in. Swine Flu is so named because it contains genetic material from a pig. In which case getting the Swine Flu for a Jew or Muslim might be like getting closer to God.

Maybe the Israeli health official who officially complained was just looking for a little media time all to himself. He suggested "Mexican Flu," instead, which, I'm sure, would thrill the Mexicans. "Oh Gee thanks Amigo. It's not enough that we're dying down here, now you want to name the fucking cause of death after us." Can you imagine someone suggesting the "Jewish Flu?"

The World Health Organization stepped in and suggested the "North American Flu Epidemic." Praise Allah. Now that we've got the new name figured out, let's decide what the logo is going to be. Should this new flu have a color palette and a style guide?

Someone get that guy over there a bucket, I think he's going to hurl.

The real question is, are any big names Twittering about the Swine Flu? Or better yet, does this flu have their own Twitter page? Have you thought about YouTube and MySpace and Facebook? Everyone knows you simply can't create a proper panic without some kind of social media outlet. What would Ashton Kutcher say?!!!

I think the Swine Flu should also start thinking about accessorizing. Gas masks are a good way to start. You should completely toss out the regular old military-issue gas masks. What you really need to do is  tie into the styles of the day. Get some decent colors. Shit, if I have to cover my face with something, I'd like for it to at least match my outfit...and I don't mean black matches everything kind of matching. I mean thoughtful matching. Pinks, greens, yellows. It's Spring for heavens sakes. Chop chop. 

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From the creator of The Bullshit Observer...a new blog

Together with some friends, I have a new blog creation called The Conceptualist. The topic will be completely fresh ideas and it will feature the same whimsical analysis that you've come to expect from The Bullshit Observer. The idea of The Conceptualist is not just to notice new things, but to celebrate brave thinkers and to marvel at their creations.

How is this different, you ask?

Well, I think it's probably the only blog I've seen that lives entirely in the world of ideas. It's not just about highlighting bizarre new inventions like Geekology. It's not about displaying new products like bazillions of blogs out there. It's about taking the new ideas and turning them over in our minds and seeing how they got that way and what they could become. It's as much about the why as it is about the what. In short, it's about conceptualism - the act of seeing past what is there to what could be and talking about it.

Incidentally, the header image is my friend's daughter, Sophie swimming underwater.

This means, of course, that The Bullshit Observer will need to take a back seat for the time being. That means that my posts will be more sporatic. To any regular reader out there, I am sorry to interrupt your BSO experience.

Drink Brawndo And Win At Yelling!!!!

I had a sugar free Full Throttle last night on the way home from work. I suddenly had the urge to run home from BART. I ran up a very steep hill and into my house. Then I ran around getting the kids ready for bed. Then I ran upstairs and laid down with one of my kids. Then I ran downstairs and voraciously consumed content on the Internet. Then I ran to bed and went to sleep. Where I had dreams about running.

That's why this video made me laugh. It's an ad for a fake energy drink that is now a real energy drink. Originally conceived for the movie Idiocracy.

Please drink responsibly.

Brawndo the thirst mutilator
It's like a monster truck that you can pour into your face.
It's got electrolytes
What are electrolytes?
I don't know but they're extremely awesome
and Brawndo is full of them
and they help plants grow
Which is why you should drink Brawndo instead of water
Because water is from the toilet and I've never seen plants grow out of a toilet
It's got caffeine (super extra caffeine)
and five kinds of sugar
which makes it delicious
and better than other kinds of energy drinks that are not delicious
Drinking it makes you wonder why you've never crushed a human skull with your bare hands
But you won't have to because you already know that Brawndo tastes how that would feel
which is like having sex with the tractor trailer in a parking lot
I just split my pants like the incredible hulk
See that? Brawndo will make you need new pants
and while you're out buying new pants you should pick up new shoes
because you're going to wear out your shoes from kicking everyone's ass all the time.
Brawndo will make you want to kick everyone's ass all the time
which might be good or bad but either way you're going to win
because Brawndo will make you win in things that you're not even supposed to win at
Like Yelling
Brawndo will make you win at yelling
Or instead of yelling maybe something else like jumping or waving
because you'll be able to wave your hands really fast
and you'll probably become invisible
which doesn't even make any sense
but if that doesn't happen then you'll probably just end up running somewhere
Which is good if you like running, but even if you don't Brawndo will help you win at exercise.

It's A Small World With Big People On It

We were at Disneyland on Monday and learned that, to our disappointment, the ride "It's A Small World" was closed for refurbishments. It turns out, according to Bethany the Disney spokesperson/trash sweeper outside Toontown and several blogs, the problem with the ride was that it was built for people in 1963. People of 1963 were small in comparison to people today - males averaged about 175 pounds and women about 135 pounds. But people have since spent more time on their butts eating fast food, drinking brown sugar water, and zoning out with bad TV. As a result people of this here small world more closely resemble 200 and something pound porky pigs and the boats at It's A Small World began bottoming out.

When the ride re-opens, it will be an inch deeper and the boats will be more buoyant.

I did notice a lot of very big people at Disneyland. Many of them were in those little motorized carts - as if they became so big that their legs could no long support their own weight for a whole entire day at a theme park. Maybe it's me, but it seems that the problem is not WITH the ride itself, but perhaps with the riders.

Bullshit Observer's 500th Post

I started this blog back in 2005 after slogging through five long years of Bush without a place to put my discontent. A sentient being can only withstand so much crap before they either crack, explode or begin to wither. This was, and still is, my way to rage against the machine and institute a small degree of sanity over in my own little tiny nook of the virtual universe.

In short, it's therapy.

As therapy, it has been a huge success. I feel good about these 500 posts. As legitimate opposition to the enormous and omnipresent bullshit producing machines in the world, I will say that it has probably had very little impact. I've only had something like 65,000 page views. But, as Kurt Vonnegut wrote in Slaughterhouse Five, "So it goes."

I am happy that it's out there and that's really all that matters. In fact, from what I've found, I would have had more media popularity if my name was something that media outlets could mention. But that's completely fine with me.

For this 500th post, I wanted to point out ten of my more meaningful (to me) posts.

The Movies Critics Are Raving About: Is about the Hollywood crap machine.

I want to be a little girl when I grow up: is about the female self-image.

God is killing us: is about religion.

Genders: Man-tradiction?: Is about the changing roles of men today.

I'll make you famous: Is about America's fascination with fame and the industries that it has spawned.

Parents Less Upwardly Mobile These Days: Is about the challenge of a modern workplace for people who put parenting first.

America Needs More Springfields: Is about suburban sprawl and the forces that spawn it.

Advertising Needs A New Agency: Is about how the traditional agency flops around in the digital world.

Meet Your Agency: Is a little insight for clients into how their agency really works.

Dear World, Sorry About That: Is my own personal apology to the world on behalf of America.

Enjoy.If you want to comment, feel free. It's nice to know there are people out there sometimes.  I'd be writing here either way though. As I said above, this blog is really more for my sanity than anything else.

Thanks for reading!

The Bullshit Observer

Does anybody care about the truth?

I'm teaching my five year old son about how lying is bad and I'm starting to wonder whether I should just let him do it. Society at large doesn't appear to care about that kind of thing anymore.

The Bush administration made apparently false and misleading statements in court about the White House e-mail controversy, according to the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics.

The US Army confirms that thousands of soldiers are cheating on online tests for promotions.

At an PR industry event in London, in a poll of the audience of over 260 PR executives, the majority (138) voted against the motion that "PR has a duty to tell the truth."

A new scanning program has identified 76 cases of outright plagiarism among professors (not students) of biomedicine.

Top PR firm, Edelman, was recently outted as having a media training course for execs that states, ""Sometimes, you just have to stand up there and lie.  Make the audience or the reporter believe that everything is ok."

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom noted that during the run up to the 2006 election, his blackberry buzzed almost daily with threat level notifications from the Department of Homeland Security. When the election was over, they stopped.

Maybe it's a result of having two equally passionate sides on both sides of the political spectrum for the past seven years. Or maybe it's because the educational system has broken down to such a degree that it's just too easy and tempting to manipulate the masses for our own gains. Whatever the reason, it seems that American culture has reached a worrying threshold where the constant whirring of our spin cycle completely drowns out the sober voices of truth.

If those voices are even speaking anymore. 

There used to be a time when truth mattered to people. It wasn't simply because of the sentimental notion that truth is honerable. No, it's because truth served a function. In fact, it was one of the lynchpins of our social structure. I would argue that if our society continues to see truth as quaint, or merely preferable to lies, then it will go into decline. Some might say that it's already happening.

It's as if our society has termites. The spin masters get into everything and, with every lie they tell, slowly eat away at the structure. It's gotten to the point where these pests are everywhere we turn. Every news outlet, every politician's speech, every commercial break, every single place you rest your eyeballs there is someone telling you something that ain't exactly true. I'd call an exterminator if I thought they could actually handle a problem of this magnitude.

Furthermore, it's really starting to get in the way of our ability to make decisions and navigate the world. For example, we needed truth in order to make the right decisions about Iraq. Instead we got lies and half-truths which led us to the incorrect decision. Let's invade! Whoops. Now America and Britain are stuck in a bog. Tons of people dead.

Truth iis also vital to our well-being as individuals.

We need to know what to eat, what to drink, where to live, how to dress for the weather, and how close they are to the nearest fault line. Without truth about these matters, we might be drinking water from contaminated springs, eating beef with mad cow disease, dressing for summer on a rainy day and living in a house that's about to slide down a mountain. Wherever there's a buck to be made, it seems, there's someone willing to lie their ass off in order to make it.

My point? Well, just that we, as a people, should care more about the truth. Really really care about it. Put it up on a pedestal and worship the truth. Celebrate the truth. Write songs about the truth.

We cannot survive without it.

With that in mind, we SIMPLY MUST hold the liars accountable for their transgressions. They are assaulting our sense of reality and hindering our ability to operate. Without this accountability, we will lose our bearings as a society and as individuals.

Maybe it's a result of having two equally passionate sides on both sides of the political spectrum for the past seven years. Or maybe it's because the educational system has broken down to such a degree that it's just too easy and tempting to manipulate the masses for our own gains. Whatever the reason, it seems that American culture has reached a worrying threshold where the constant whirring of our spin cycle completely drowns out the sober voices of truth.

If those voices are even speaking anymore. 

There used to be a time when truth mattered to people. It wasn't simply because of the sentimental notion that truth is honerable. No, it's because truth served a function. In fact, it was one of the lynchpins of our social structure. I would argue that if our society continues to see truth as quaint, or merely preferable to lies, then it will go into decline. Some might say that it's already happening.

It's as if our society has termites. The spin masters get into everything and, with every lie they tell, slowly eat away at the structure. It's gotten to the point where these pests are everywhere we turn. Every news outlet, every politician's speech, every commercial break, every single place you rest your eyeballs there is someone telling you something that ain't exactly true. I'd call an exterminator if I thought they could actually handle a problem of this magnitude.

Furthermore, it's really starting to get in the way of our ability to make decisions and navigate the world. For example, we needed truth in order to make the right decisions about Iraq. Instead we got lies and half-truths which led us to the incorrect decision. Let's invade! Whoops. Now America and Britain are stuck in a bog. Tons of people dead.

Truth iis also vital to our well-being as individuals.

We need to know what to eat, what to drink, where to live, how to dress for the weather, and how close they are to the nearest fault line. Without truth about these matters, we might be drinking water from contaminated springs, eating beef with mad cow disease, dressing for summer on a rainy day and living in a house that's about to slide down a mountain. Wherever there's a buck to be made, it seems, there's someone willing to lie their ass off in order to make it.

My point? Well, just that we, as a people, should care more about the truth. Really really care about it. Put it up on a pedestal and worship the truth. Celebrate the truth. Write songs about the truth.

We cannot survive without it.

With that in mind, we SIMPLY MUST hold the liars accountable for their transgressions. They are assaulting our sense of reality and hindering our ability to operate. Without this accountability, we will lose our bearings as a society and as individuals.