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Things my son seems to have picked up along the way

Putting Nick to bed last night, he turns to me and says...

Nick (six years old): Okay daddy. Ask me some questions and I'll give you the answers.

Me: How old is my dad?

Nick: 67

Me: Wow. Good. Where does milk come from?

Nick: Cows...or goats.

Me: Excellent. How old are you going to be when you die?

Nick: 100

Me: I hope higher. But that's a good round number.

Nick: Ask a hard question daddy.

Me: What's the secret to happiness?

Nick: Love.

Me:

From the creator of The Bullshit Observer...a new blog

Together with some friends, I have a new blog creation called The Conceptualist. The topic will be completely fresh ideas and it will feature the same whimsical analysis that you've come to expect from The Bullshit Observer. The idea of The Conceptualist is not just to notice new things, but to celebrate brave thinkers and to marvel at their creations.

How is this different, you ask?

Well, I think it's probably the only blog I've seen that lives entirely in the world of ideas. It's not just about highlighting bizarre new inventions like Geekology. It's not about displaying new products like bazillions of blogs out there. It's about taking the new ideas and turning them over in our minds and seeing how they got that way and what they could become. It's as much about the why as it is about the what. In short, it's about conceptualism - the act of seeing past what is there to what could be and talking about it.

Incidentally, the header image is my friend's daughter, Sophie swimming underwater.

This means, of course, that The Bullshit Observer will need to take a back seat for the time being. That means that my posts will be more sporatic. To any regular reader out there, I am sorry to interrupt your BSO experience.

Cheerios Wants You To Find A Rock

It was advertised on a box of Cheerios: Free book inside.

"A book inside? Finally, a marketing ploy that I can get behind," I thought to myself. The program was called Spoonfuls of Stories and it featured a series of several children's books. Apparently they've been doing this for years. Go General Mills!

We ripped open the box, bursting with anticipation, and discovered the book entitled "Everyone Needs A Rock." I was a little dumbfounded, I have to admit. I got that scrunched up look on my face that I get when something we just bought breaks. But then, still a little drunk with the joy of finding a marketing gimmick that didn't make me cringe or want to puke, I thought that maybe there's some really deep and wise moral behind it. Something really profound. Something about nature and how we are but infinitesimal specks in a vast and ever-changing universe and that no matter how difficult our life seems, when viewed through this lens, it really isn't that tough.

Actually no. It was about how you need to go outside, find a rock, put in your pocket, and carry it around indefinitely. What kind of fucking horse shit is that? What is General Mills trying to do to me? Filling my kid with ideas about carrying stones in his pockets. Next thing you know we have a three-room rock collection and the kid winds up a professor of geology at some community college making $38,000 a year and his best friends are inanimate.

The first two sentences of the book (I shit you not) read, "Everyone needs a rock. I'm sorry for everyone who doesn't have a rock for a friend." Then it proceeds to go into the author's ten rules for finding a rock that might make a good pal. 

I thought it was supposed to be HARD to get your children's books published. Everyone says, "Oh, Children's Books, you really shouldn't even try to get one published it's so hard. Just put that manuscript  in the drawer and make a documentary or broker an Israeli/Palestinian peace deal or something." Apparently, all you need is to have is a stupid-ass idea and the guts to type it out and send it in.

"Rule number three for finding a rock: Bend over."

You think I'm lying, don't you? I would think I was lying too if I didn't just pick the book up and randomly open it to rule #3's page. I'd think that this Bullshit Observer guy is just some wacko who exaggerates a lot for a laugh. Not even, my friend. Not today anyway. Today I quoteth the book of rock.

"Rule number four: don't get a rock that is too big."

OOOOKAY. Now I'm offended. The Cheerios think we're retarded. Like we're going to grab a stone that belongs as part of a fucking footpath and try to adopt the fucking thing.

"Rule number eight: The shape of the rock is up to you."

So as you can see, it doesn't get any better. You can imagine my chagrin as I furiously flip through the book trying to stumble on the underlying message and come up empty-handed. General Mills claims that the book is about, “...how joy is abundant in the quiet and beauty of nature.”

Now I'm definitely looking for a rock.

Bullshit Observer's 500th Post

I started this blog back in 2005 after slogging through five long years of Bush without a place to put my discontent. A sentient being can only withstand so much crap before they either crack, explode or begin to wither. This was, and still is, my way to rage against the machine and institute a small degree of sanity over in my own little tiny nook of the virtual universe.

In short, it's therapy.

As therapy, it has been a huge success. I feel good about these 500 posts. As legitimate opposition to the enormous and omnipresent bullshit producing machines in the world, I will say that it has probably had very little impact. I've only had something like 65,000 page views. But, as Kurt Vonnegut wrote in Slaughterhouse Five, "So it goes."

I am happy that it's out there and that's really all that matters. In fact, from what I've found, I would have had more media popularity if my name was something that media outlets could mention. But that's completely fine with me.

For this 500th post, I wanted to point out ten of my more meaningful (to me) posts.

The Movies Critics Are Raving About: Is about the Hollywood crap machine.

I want to be a little girl when I grow up: is about the female self-image.

God is killing us: is about religion.

Genders: Man-tradiction?: Is about the changing roles of men today.

I'll make you famous: Is about America's fascination with fame and the industries that it has spawned.

Parents Less Upwardly Mobile These Days: Is about the challenge of a modern workplace for people who put parenting first.

America Needs More Springfields: Is about suburban sprawl and the forces that spawn it.

Advertising Needs A New Agency: Is about how the traditional agency flops around in the digital world.

Meet Your Agency: Is a little insight for clients into how their agency really works.

Dear World, Sorry About That: Is my own personal apology to the world on behalf of America.

Enjoy.If you want to comment, feel free. It's nice to know there are people out there sometimes.  I'd be writing here either way though. As I said above, this blog is really more for my sanity than anything else.

Thanks for reading!

The Bullshit Observer

Poetry Slam: A Poem of Inspiration To A Daughter

I found this poetry slam, passionately performed by Albanian native Gypsee Yo, by accident bumping around on the web. It reminded me of what it means to be moved by words. It also reminded me to live for what matters. Just 3 minutes.

Does anybody care about the truth?

I'm teaching my five year old son about how lying is bad and I'm starting to wonder whether I should just let him do it. Society at large doesn't appear to care about that kind of thing anymore.

The Bush administration made apparently false and misleading statements in court about the White House e-mail controversy, according to the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics.

The US Army confirms that thousands of soldiers are cheating on online tests for promotions.

At an PR industry event in London, in a poll of the audience of over 260 PR executives, the majority (138) voted against the motion that "PR has a duty to tell the truth."

A new scanning program has identified 76 cases of outright plagiarism among professors (not students) of biomedicine.

Top PR firm, Edelman, was recently outted as having a media training course for execs that states, ""Sometimes, you just have to stand up there and lie.  Make the audience or the reporter believe that everything is ok."

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom noted that during the run up to the 2006 election, his blackberry buzzed almost daily with threat level notifications from the Department of Homeland Security. When the election was over, they stopped.

Maybe it's a result of having two equally passionate sides on both sides of the political spectrum for the past seven years. Or maybe it's because the educational system has broken down to such a degree that it's just too easy and tempting to manipulate the masses for our own gains. Whatever the reason, it seems that American culture has reached a worrying threshold where the constant whirring of our spin cycle completely drowns out the sober voices of truth.

If those voices are even speaking anymore. 

There used to be a time when truth mattered to people. It wasn't simply because of the sentimental notion that truth is honerable. No, it's because truth served a function. In fact, it was one of the lynchpins of our social structure. I would argue that if our society continues to see truth as quaint, or merely preferable to lies, then it will go into decline. Some might say that it's already happening.

It's as if our society has termites. The spin masters get into everything and, with every lie they tell, slowly eat away at the structure. It's gotten to the point where these pests are everywhere we turn. Every news outlet, every politician's speech, every commercial break, every single place you rest your eyeballs there is someone telling you something that ain't exactly true. I'd call an exterminator if I thought they could actually handle a problem of this magnitude.

Furthermore, it's really starting to get in the way of our ability to make decisions and navigate the world. For example, we needed truth in order to make the right decisions about Iraq. Instead we got lies and half-truths which led us to the incorrect decision. Let's invade! Whoops. Now America and Britain are stuck in a bog. Tons of people dead.

Truth iis also vital to our well-being as individuals.

We need to know what to eat, what to drink, where to live, how to dress for the weather, and how close they are to the nearest fault line. Without truth about these matters, we might be drinking water from contaminated springs, eating beef with mad cow disease, dressing for summer on a rainy day and living in a house that's about to slide down a mountain. Wherever there's a buck to be made, it seems, there's someone willing to lie their ass off in order to make it.

My point? Well, just that we, as a people, should care more about the truth. Really really care about it. Put it up on a pedestal and worship the truth. Celebrate the truth. Write songs about the truth.

We cannot survive without it.

With that in mind, we SIMPLY MUST hold the liars accountable for their transgressions. They are assaulting our sense of reality and hindering our ability to operate. Without this accountability, we will lose our bearings as a society and as individuals.

Maybe it's a result of having two equally passionate sides on both sides of the political spectrum for the past seven years. Or maybe it's because the educational system has broken down to such a degree that it's just too easy and tempting to manipulate the masses for our own gains. Whatever the reason, it seems that American culture has reached a worrying threshold where the constant whirring of our spin cycle completely drowns out the sober voices of truth.

If those voices are even speaking anymore. 

There used to be a time when truth mattered to people. It wasn't simply because of the sentimental notion that truth is honerable. No, it's because truth served a function. In fact, it was one of the lynchpins of our social structure. I would argue that if our society continues to see truth as quaint, or merely preferable to lies, then it will go into decline. Some might say that it's already happening.

It's as if our society has termites. The spin masters get into everything and, with every lie they tell, slowly eat away at the structure. It's gotten to the point where these pests are everywhere we turn. Every news outlet, every politician's speech, every commercial break, every single place you rest your eyeballs there is someone telling you something that ain't exactly true. I'd call an exterminator if I thought they could actually handle a problem of this magnitude.

Furthermore, it's really starting to get in the way of our ability to make decisions and navigate the world. For example, we needed truth in order to make the right decisions about Iraq. Instead we got lies and half-truths which led us to the incorrect decision. Let's invade! Whoops. Now America and Britain are stuck in a bog. Tons of people dead.

Truth iis also vital to our well-being as individuals.

We need to know what to eat, what to drink, where to live, how to dress for the weather, and how close they are to the nearest fault line. Without truth about these matters, we might be drinking water from contaminated springs, eating beef with mad cow disease, dressing for summer on a rainy day and living in a house that's about to slide down a mountain. Wherever there's a buck to be made, it seems, there's someone willing to lie their ass off in order to make it.

My point? Well, just that we, as a people, should care more about the truth. Really really care about it. Put it up on a pedestal and worship the truth. Celebrate the truth. Write songs about the truth.

We cannot survive without it.

With that in mind, we SIMPLY MUST hold the liars accountable for their transgressions. They are assaulting our sense of reality and hindering our ability to operate. Without this accountability, we will lose our bearings as a society and as individuals.

The Bullshit Observer Holiday Gift Guide

Something for everyone on your gift list this year:

GREETING CARD: Happy Birthday Jesus  ($3.00):
Everyone needs a card in which to send out their folded up 8 1/2 x11 Christmas letter. Here's one from Bald Guy Greetings that says, "Happy Birthday Jesus," and when you open it, "This is actually a birthday card form a Hispanic guy named Jesus. But I think it works for Christmas, too."

STOCKING STUFFER: Jesus Action Figure (8.95)
Everyone has a different take on Jesus. Muslims saw him as a prophet. Buddhists say he was enlightened. Hindus consider him a diety, while Christians call him the Son of God. Of course, we all know that he was just a guy who started a religion that led directly to the slaughter of millions of innocent people and the success of countless porn shops throughout the South. He features posable arms that reach toward the heavens.

STOCKING STUFFER: G.W. Bush Toilet Paper ($7.00)
Sure, it's expensive for toilet paper. But the satisfaction you get by wiping your tooshie with this fucking moron's face is practically priceless. So, unlike the Iraq war, you come out ahead in the long run. It features some of his primo fuckups like this one, "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption," or this one, "Bring 'em on." Aside from watching his administration crumble around him, wiping our ass with Bush's visage is about the only satisfaction liberals can get these days.

FOR GUYS: Wake Up To The Big O ($25.00)
The new Orgasmo Alarm Clock will wake you up to the sound of a woman having a really satisfying orgasm. The perfect gift to get him if you two are trying to maintain an impossible long-distance relationship.

FOR GAMERS: Pong T-shirt ($25.99)
Animated PONG t-shirt for the gamer in the family.

FOR HIM: The TRX Suspension Workout System ($199.99)
Get him the gift that says, “Get THE FUCK off your ass you whiny little walrus turd. In fact, gimme 50 right goddamn now. Comeon, push em' out you twinkle toes weasel-fuck." Cuz that’s what giving’s all about. The TRX Suspension workout is something that you can take anywhere and do anytime.

BOOK: Love Hotels ($26.40)
A coffee table book that showcases the amazing creativity of the Japanese sex drive. Great conversation starter – especially if the conversation is with a special someone.

BOOK: Your Call Is Very Important To Us: The Truth About Bullshit ($10.63)
Author Laura Penny disects the, "culture of globalized, super-sized, consumerized b.s," and leaves the carcass open for all to see.

FOR THE KIDDIES: Hazmat Clean Up Crew ($4.49)
Poor bastards might as well learn the harsh realities of what causes the climate crisis before they consider them harsh realities. That way, when they’re 12 or 15, donning a gas mask or Hazmat suit will seem, you know, kinda normal.

OFFICE FUN: The Teddy Bear Gun
It’s not a toy. It’s a metaphor. If only all guns shot teddy bears, then the world would be a beautiful place. Oh shut up, I’m kidding.

OFFICE FUN: The Office Space Kit: $14.95.
Know someone who would just love a red Swingline to do their binding together of disparate papers to make a document? Does that person often forget to attach a cover sheet to their TPS reports? Have they had, or are currently having a case of the Mondays? The Office Space Kit is made for them. Here's what they get:

    * Milton’s Red Stapler
    * Lumbergh’s Initech Mug
    * “Is this Good for the Company?” Sign
    * Starter “Flair”
    * “PC Load Letter” Copy Machine Sticker
    * Your Very Own “Jump To Conclusions” Mat
    * A Humorous 32-Page Book (Complete with TPS Report Covers)

The Official "I'm a total total idiot" Post

So I thought I'd simplify the path on my typepad url. Took out a few characters. That, in turn, broke every single link on the entire Internet to my site. Thousands of links....broken. I have *sort of* fixed the domain version: www.bullshitobserver.com still works. Needless to say, I have a help ticket in. So for the 3 of you who have stumbled here from Google and are reading this, I give you the only thing that I have to give: My Prized Hot Sauce recipe. It took me months to get to this. I give it to you for nothing.

Bullshit Observer’s Official Hot Sauce Recipe
½ white onion
1 Box Chopped Pomi Tomatoes
2 Teaspoons Sugar
3 Teaspoons Kosher Salt
10 Dried Chiles – fire roasted
4 Tablespoons Toasted Pumkin Seeds
2 Cups Water
Almost ½ cup white vinegar
4 Roasted Haneneros
2 Roasted Red Jelepeno
1 Roasted Passilla Pepper
3 Teaspoons Tomato paste
1 Lime Squeezed
1 Small orange or a tangerine
Two pinches of toasted, ground cumin seeds
1 Roasted tomitillo (optional)

Blender. Let simmer in a skillet for 30 minutes. Stir occasionally. For extra smoothness, blender again. Chill and serve.

A Guide For The Sleep Deprived

Your arms are getting heavy. Your legs feel water logged. Your head feels like a 20 pound balloon that’s over-inflated. You can’t concentrate on anything. Can’t focus. You’re past irritable. You’re past faking it. You are beaten. Whooped. Done.

We’ve all been there. Once I felt so tired, I actually felt myself dying just a little bit. For years my son Nick was in flagrant violation of the Geneva Convention.

Over the years, I’ve done research, tried lots and lots of techniques, and found a few that actually help.  So far as I know (and I did check), there are no books out there about sleep deprivation for parents. I call bullshit on that.

In lue of a PHD-written article, here is the definitive BSO tips list for new parents. Some of them are obvious, some not.

• Nutrition Techniques: More fruits and veggies, lighter carbs, fewer meats and limit fat. Eat a healthy protein-rich breakfast to give you a boost of sustained energy. Drink coffee before noon and lots of water after noon. Cut out the alcohol. Buy a juicer and make fresh juice for yourself every morning. Yes, it’s a pain to clean – but it’s worth it.
• Home Remedies: 2X Ibuprofin. A Shower Always Refreshes (warm water right on the face is best). If at all possible, take a nap – even five minutes. Can’t nap? Take a 30 minute bath instead while closing your eyes and being very, very quiet - and telling yourself to relax - will help you.
• Exercise: Really any kind of exercise is good. Too tired? Get over it. Stimulate your system with a fast-paced walk and see a boost in energy. Juggle a soccer ball. Clean the house (chances are  it needs it).
• Physiological Technique: Lie on your back and place your feet on two pillows. This changes the direction of the blood flow in your body. You only need to do it for about five or ten minutes - no longer. Just close your eyes and relax as you do it.
• Breathing Technique: Lie on your back - so you're in a nice straight line - not rigid - very relaxed - hands resting by your side. Then, take a good deep breath and gently blow the air out your pursed lips - very slowly - long and drawn out...Do it over and over.
• Meditation-esque Technique: Relax your muscles - group by group - from your feet on up your body to your head, while you say to yourself statements like: "I'm now relaxing - I'm allowing my muscles to relax... I'm relaxed... I'm letting go of my upset and stress.”
• Work Strategies: Front load your most challenging tasks (or most important meetings) before noon. After noon you can expect the dizziness and spaceyness to start getting the upper hand. Do more tedious mindless work when that happens. If you still have trouble, take five minutes to close your eyes, take slow and deep breaths, and relax. Then jump back into it.
  

The thing about sleep deprivation is that it makes us stupid. And the thing about becoming stupid is that we lack the ability to notice how stupid we’ve become. Even if you think you’re fine, you’re probably not. So if you’re not getting enough sleep, start taking better care of yourself.