The Bullshit Observer

Storm blamed for deaths. Seems a Tad Unfair.

I saw today yet another article blaming five recent deaths on a storm roving over the midwest right now. This on the heels of the Indonesian ferry captain blaming storms for sinking his overcrowded ferry boat and a hurricane blamed for killing a swimmer. 

I think we ought to stop pointing fingers at the weather and start taking a good hard look at the people who died.

This tendency to blame our misfortune on the weather itself must be some kind of hold-over from ancient times when we would chant incantations to the Rain God and treat weather as some deity's angry whim instead of the result of complex meteorological forces. Yet another example of the human tendency to blame anyone but ourselves for our foibles.

Banana Split blamed for diabetes.

Sun blamed for headache. 

Cigarettes blamed for Cancer.

Sharp curve in road blamed for highway fatality.

Declining bee population blamed for lower orange crop which is blamed for economic downturn in central Valley which is blamed for unemployment which is blamed for lower consumer spending.

Hey chum, the fucking weak-ass bees are fucking up our fucking economy.

How about blaming our own lack of ability to adapt to our environment? How about blaming our own lack of common sense? Or blaming the human tendency to take chances and think we're invincible? How about blaming the genius who went swimming during a hurricane? Or the people who go tooling around in their big heavy station wagon with bald tires in a blinding snowstorm?

Katrina didn't destroy New Orleans. People did.

This planet and it's natural forces are not about us, never have been about us and will never be about us. This is what people must learn. You must adapt or you will die.

The storms are a-coming. Either get ready or get killed.

10 Things To Do Instead of Writing Stupid Lists That Really Anyone Could Write

If you're just sitting around, like dozens of people today are, and you feel an urge to write a list of things that you plan on sharing with the world, a top ten list, say... or perhaps it's the Top 10 Most Annoying Characters on TV, or Top 10 remarkable engineers of all time or perhaps even Lindsay Lohan's top 10 favorite sexual positions while she's hopped up on crack and hanging out at some photographer's house, whatever, just STOP yourself, please, and consider a few other, let's say 10, activities that those of us out in the world would rather you partook in.

1) Start a boy band: It seems there's a niche currently. You'll need to assemble a group of good looking young boys who can dance and cover the incredibly large spectrum of personality types between rebel and brooding rebel. Then figure out what your hair styles are going to be. There...you're done.

2) Learn to etch glass with a rotary tool.  Etched decorations never go out of style. Mainly because they're never in style to begin with. They exist above the whole style paradigm. Give one to your loved one. They'll be so touched.

3) Take Full Advantage of Your Former Employer's Outplacement Service. There are strong professionals in this field who will guide and instruct you on how to get another job in your field. If that doesn't work, consider a new career as an outplacement professional!

4) Resolve yourself to take better care of your tattoo. Cleaning it with antibacterial soap, applying Aquaphor ointment in thin layers and using non-scented lotion can help your stupid fucking tattoo of Woody Woodpecker look its best.

5) Remove the blood stain from the drapes. Yes, it might add to the intrigue of your pad, but also clashes with the carpet. First thing to remember is that blood is protein and proteins require cold water. If the blood's been around awhile, you might want to use cold water with Oxyclean. That's what, er, I've heard anyway.

6) Learn how to read sheet music. Don't just play the music, feeeeeeelll the music. That's it...you'll be Stairwaying To Heaven in no time. 

7) Chip in your time on a missing person's search and rescue. Clearly you have oodles of time, so don't be selfish. Check the local hospitals. Over 2,000 people go missing every single day. You could be one of them. Hey, seriously, are you one of them?

8) Go fuck with that army of ants that lives in the corner behind the wall. You've seen the scouts. You know what the're looking for. The time has come to draw out the herd and squash them. Bring home one of those free candy suckers from the laundry mat and put it out for them. Wait till the ant highway is like 5 lanes each way - then douse them with maple syrup and watch them drown in their own version of a happy meal. Oh, you're so sick.

9) Try to decide between bankruptsy or forclosure. You don't really need both. You could potentially file for bankruptsy and exempt your home from the asset list that debtors can access. In any case, you'll need some time to ponder this and that's time you won't be spending cluttering the world with your top 10 lists that really anyone could write. 

10) Pray. Start praying a simple prayer... for example "God what is my purpose on this earth". Get in a habit of waiting for his response before doing anything else. 

How To Choose A Religion

As gods go, I think the more the merrier. I would like to be reincarnated (as a dolphin, preferably). I prefer Indian food over Chinese and I do not own a black cat.

So, according to this flow chart, I should be Hindu.

Then again, I fucking love hummus and bacon and I think underwear can be magical. So I'm not sure where it puts me other than very amused and a few minutes older than before I discovered this chart. Maybe that should be a new religion: Amused. We could all worship Jerry Seinfeld - because he's not outright funny as much as he's amusing. But that's another post. Enjoy the chart.

Thanks to Holy Kaw

Louisiana Judge Refuses To Marry Interracial Couple

File this under "further proof America is slipping back into the dark ages."

Louisiana judge Keith Bardwell refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple because it's his experience that when you mix the races, the marriages tend to end quickly in divorce. Plus, the kids get teased and feel unwelcome in both cultures. He did it, or rather didn't do it, out of concern for any children the couple might have.

"I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

As if allowing an African American newlywed to use your bathroom can safely put to rest any suspicions that you might have a racist streak. "No, the groom said he had to urinate and I pointed the way. Clearly I wouldn't burn a cross on the guy's lawn next Sunday at noon," Bardwell didn't say.

Incidentally, marriage between the races used to be illegal in the Thirteen Colonies from the late seventeenth century onwards, and subsequently in several US states and US territories until 1967. Similar laws were also enforced in Nazi Germany, from 1935 until 1945.  the United States Supreme Court unanimously ruled in Loving v. Virginia that anti-miscegenation laws are unconstitutional. Of the 16 states who still had laws on the books banning interracial marriage in 1967 when they were finally ruled unconstitutional, 15 of them were in the bumfuck, backward-ass South.

No offense to any southerners.

UPDATE 10/17/09: 4:31P

Heat Builds in Interracial Marriage Denial Calls Intensify for Firing or Resignation of La. Justice of the Peace Who Wouldn't Marry Black Man, White Woman.

Sell The Vatican, Feed The World

Side Note: "Global hunger is a “world emergency” now, if it wasn’t before, with the number of hungry people rising to a record 1 billion, according to the United Nations. Given this scary statistic, it’s not looking good for a goal, set in 2000, to reduce the number of people going hungry worldwide by half by 2015." Truthdig.

Gimmie that old time religion...and a 747

A Bolivian citizen named Jose used a pretend juice-can-bomb to hijack an airplane from Cancun today as it landed in Mexico City after receiving a divine revelation. He said Wednesday's date — 9-9-09 — is the satanic number 666 turned upside down.

Well, I'll be damned...so it is. Let's throw the world into chaos, shall we? You know, I think I saw Jesus's head as a rust stain on my car's tailpipe this morning. Plus, tomorrow's date actually adds up to to 28, which is EXACTLY 10 more than 18, which is 666 added together. Twofer? Oh, that's right, you'll be busy with being locked up in prison. Forever.

"Christ is coming soon," Jose was quoted as saying, smirk on his face and bible in hand.

Well Jose, were I you, I'd be hoping like hell that Jesus is not coming. Because if he does show up  and you're nearby, he's going to kick your stupid ass for misunderstanding the point of the entire f-ing religion. 

Sidebar: People, could it be, that the problem this world is having is not about terrorism itself, but the source of terrorism - which, as everyone knows, is religion?

Why treat the symptom?

If you agree, send me a sign.

The Burquini Vs. The Bikini

Rejoice! Muslim women can now bathe. Well, publicly anyway. The solution, a burqua that's a burquini, was born out of Australia in 2007 (so not that new, but relative to the age of their culture, like yesterday).

Since Muslim women are apparently unclean even when they're bathing, the new swimwear will cover them from the tip of their head to just below their dirty, naughty, and probably overly-sexy ankles. 

Being that they use so much fabric, they are rather pricey though. $160 USD or so. But think of the UV protection. A few more years of global warming and we'll all be wearing these. Get yours today.  Then again, it's rather hard to turn away from this:

Mormon Underwear: Mentioning the Unmentionables

Modeled by Mitt and Anne Romney here, Mormon underwear, or "garmies" as they're referred to by cult members, are designed to serve as a reminder of special promises made to their God. Given that Utah is the state with the highest online porn use in the country (and probably the least sex between married couples), I would have to say that perhaps they need a much better reminder. Maybe post it notes or writing stuff on their hands.

Can you image coming across a Mormon at McDonalds with "Do not wack off to pictures of Elle Liberachi!," in big letters on his hand?

According to Mormons, mocking the Mormon garment is a very offensive form of hate-speech. According to ex-Mormons, mocking the Mormon garment is more like therapy-speech. As far as I'm concerned, it's pointing-out-how-wacked-the-self-righteous-moralizers-are speech.

Some comments about "garmies" from across the country:

Cheryl: "As I grew up, every adult I knew wore garmies. My aunties peed through a gaping slit in them."

Gary: "I have had people look at me in an odd manner when they can tell I'm not wearing garments."

Helen: "When I stopped wearing garments, but was still going to Church, I always made sure I wore something that would not even give a hint I may not be wearing my garments for that would have ended in a call to the Bishop's office."

The Lyoness: There are garment lines, and then there are “normal people” underwear lines.  If I had stopped wearing my garments without telling my coworkers first, they would have noticed anyway.

Though I totally and completely respect the Mormon faith, I simply must point out (that it's a freakish cult with a fucked up sense of reality) this rather odd custom. That is all. Complaints can be submitted in the comment field. ta-ta.

Porn Statistics: Debbie Does Salt Lake

Wondering which state has the highest appetite for porn?

Yeah, I know you're not, and frankly neither was I. But that's not to say that I wasn't totally shocked (and then oddly titillated) to stumble upon the knowledge that it's the most conservative, religious, and self-righteous state in the union.

That's right ladies and gents, the state with the highest per capita consumption of porn is Utah.

Utah?

Utah.

This is also funny because Utah was the first state to appoint an anti-porn czar. One of the first issues that Paula Houston, said czar, took on back in 2001 when she started was to decide whether unclothed mannequins would be considered pornographic. She firmly believes pornography is destructive to society and degrades women. And her husband agrees. Totally 100%, babe. You get em'. I'll be in my office working late again. Don't wait up.

Living in Atlanta, I always thought it was funny to be so deep in the bible belt and yet surrounded by both churches and porn shops. They'd be right across the street from each other.  I suppose they'd drop their porn video in the return slot and then hop over to the church for a little confession and everything's copacetic in their twisted little belief system.

Interestingly, the Harvard University study published in the Journal of Economic Perspectives that made this finding about Utah also found that the red states, the, er, conservative states, ALL have higher online subscription rates for porn. Which suggests to me that the more outspoken you are about moral issues, the more likely you are to have a copy of "No Country for Old Skanks" or "Horton Hears of Ho" in your underwear drawer.

From ABC News, who also covered the findings:

Those states that do consume the most porn tend to be more conservative and religious than states with lower levels of consumption, the study finds.

“Some of the people who are most outraged turn out to be consumers of the very things they claimed to be outraged by,” Edelman says.

Eight out of the top ten states for porno consumption voted for John "Pallin' around with Palin" McCain. Looks like the moral high horse these folks have been trotting around on was really just a pony with a hard on.

One of the truest things I've ever read was this quote from Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas, a book by Tom Robbins's: "Big front has big back." In other words, what you see being projected outward has a shadow side. Big moralizers tend to be deeply flawed. Much to the delight of us heathens.

I don't think it's healthy for human nature to deny your sexual side, the erotic and the sensual sides of life. Suppressing things so central to our nature just perverts them and they find another way out.

Speaking of perversion, here's Wayne's World doing top ten porno film names for your viewing pleasure (and I do mean pleasure):

MTV Shows

Merry Christ Is Born Day!

I'm not into religion, but I do love the Christmas season. For one thing, Christians are very good at rejoicing that their main dude Christ was born. And their enthusiasm for him is quite contagious. It's their songs and their smiles and their ability to assume that everyone is Christian during this part of the year that just gets me every time.

That and Charlie Brown's Christmas Special.

For another thing, it's a good excuse to huddle up with family and get back in touch. Unless your family is crazy - which thankfully mine is not.

As for the real religious nature of the holiday, it's bullshit. Utter crap, really. As is their entire dogma. It's dangerous and annoying, and is a poor substitute for real morality. Theirs is a morality motivated by avoidance and fear - avoiding sin for fear that they will spend eternity in the burning fires of hell. This clouds ones sense of right and wrong rather than illuminates it. And it creates an unhealthy tension in people where they want things that they believe are bad. If they were aloud to look at things and really consider them, they'd know why those things were bad and would be far less likely to want them.

Here's philosopher Pat Condell explaining this thought far more articulately than I could.

And here are three teenage girls singing "It's cold outside" for Christmas. This kind of illustrates why I still love Christmas.