The Bullshit Observer

Politics: Welcome To Hog-Washington

Looking out at the field of politicians vying for positions of power in Washington, one gets a sinking feeling that we, as a nation and, perhaps, as a political system, have officially jumped the shark.

The bargain that we have made all these 235 years is that in exchange for our votes, the person who would eventually hold political office would represent our interests. Whomever had the right message and platform would garner the most votes and thus rule the country in a way consistent with the prevailing will of the people. The man or woman who was elected could be trusted to carry out the promise of their campaign and merely be a human projection of what the people said they wanted. That was the democratic system that the founders of this country put in place.

Today we have a funhouse version of that democracy where the will of the people is hard to discern and their votes are easy to hijack. The people only really get to pick from the crop of candidates most aligned with private/corporate interests and thus better able to raise the money required to buy the advertising and manpower to persuade more people in more places to vote for them. That and they are made of Teflon. (11/4/11: Slight correction, Herman Cain is apparently NOT made of Teflon).

"Both the Democratic and Republican proposals represent a total hijacking of the by the 1%. Members of the Super Committee and other elected officials may not feel the urgency of America's unemployed and underemployed, but if they keep ignoring the will of the people, they will join the ranks of those unemployed, come election day." Nancy Altman, Huffpo Politics, 10/29/11

Most of the candidates today wouldn't even have a campaign platform if one wasn't outlined for them through the complex web of campaign donors, filtered through the team of campaign strategists, approved by party wags and focus grouped and focus grouped and focus grouped until it started to sell. Once elected, that all goes out the window anyway because it was just a strategy to get elected. Once elected, it's government by favor-granting and the mathmatics involved in keeping people aligned with you. Gone is the promise of more jobs, better education for our kids, more benefits for our veterans, stricter banking regulations, more oversight in corporate America etc. etc.

"Campaigning for president of the United States is essentially a marketing process, in which candidates present themselves as products, differentiate themselves from the other products and make proposals on how they will perform if they get the job." Forbes Magazine, 8/10/11

Most of the real radical changes that career politicians "propose"/"promise" are completely unrealistic anyway. That's because governance today is merely a byproduct of the party-driven roller derby in Washington and private interests asserting themselves. While something might be good for the country and the people, and in fact expressly requested BY the people, neither party wants to grant the other one a "win" of any kind. So instead of good ideas implimented well we get an amagamation of a million horse trades, favors, and side deals that together make up some sort of change in policy only partly related to the problem that the people wanted fixed. Case in point: Obamacare. Step forward? Barely. Arguably a step backward.

Think about it, if the people's will had been done, would we be in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Guantanamo Bay? Not today we wouldn't. We wouldn't have bailed out the automakers or the big banks. The former AIG exec sitting in his hottub in his penthouse overlooking the Manhattan skyline wondering how he's going to spend your tax money would be budgeting the remainder of his savings account and wondering how he's going to put his kids through college. We would have a jobs-focused administration. We would have hope and change. But instead we have death abroad, instability at home and a bunch of very very rich people at the tippy top of the food chain that aren't trickling their money down.

In other words, we do not exactly have government by the people, for the people. It's a full blown three ring Ringling Brothers enterprise. But instead of being merely a grumbler, I have a solution  and it's not what you might think. If you want a better run government (like I do), you need to stop buying what they're selling. I'm not saying "don't vote." Oh no, that would be the predictable thing to say at this point. The problem with not voting is that it's very unempowering. You have this gift of a vote. A voice, however tiny, in the cocophony of this sideshow. If we don't use our voices, nothing will change.  But if we all used our voice to say, roughly, the same thing, the people who are bought into this system will have to take notice. In November, 1989, a Czech poet naned Vaclav Havel raised his keys in the air and shook them in fury against the Soviet occupation. A million Czech people did the same thing and the roar that those keys freed the nation and, in time, brought down the Soviet empire.

What I propose is simple: vote who you want to vote for - which is to say, not these overly polished human products you see before you in the press. Ask yourself, who do you think would do a good job? Certainly not Mitt Romney. That guy doesn't stand for anything. And not some crazy pizza guy. Not even Barak Obama. Those are the guys that this political circus put in front of you. Vote for anybody you think would do a good job. Literally anyone. The butcher. Your doctor. You're lawyer. A business leader that you admire. Or even a public servant in another kind of leadership role. Shit, vote for your Dad if you want. Whatever you do DO NOT vote for the field. Make sure those billions of dollars that went to convince you to vote for someone who eventually will not be representing your interests DO NOT WORK. By collectively not voting for the field we will be collectively saying the same thing: We, the people, don't buy it anymore. Bring us the real thing.

Spread the word around. Vote with your heart this time.

11/4/11 FOLLOW UP: Since I wrote this, a friend sent me a link to Americans Elect, a non-profit organization that is gathering votes for a ballot slot in all 50 states for a 3rd party candidate that the people will choose. Brilliant. If you actually give even half a shit about this nation, please go sign the petition. If you don't, then join the other 150 million who are voting for Mitt Romney because he's barely electable.

A Liar's Guide To Politics

When the attention of the general populace centers on a particular topic and we try and make some sense of it, certain phrases emerge around different positions: Global warming, death tax, working poor, etc.

These phrases become shorthand for how we understand the topic. The media grabs hold of them and sets them in stone. But for many businesses, industries and politicians, these phrases can be slightly, er, inconvenient.

Take drilling for oil for example. The term "drilling" makes us think of raping the planet over and over. We're just making big deep holes in the Earth's crust in hopes of finding a big subterrainian pool of oil that we can then harvest and burn and further pollute the planet. That's what oil companies do for a living and it sounds rather unsavory. Let's try "Engergy Exploration" on for size. I love a good adventure! Yay! That sounds like fun. Suddenly you've removed the unsavory connotations from the front end of the discussion (which is where most public discussions end anyway).

This is what Republican pollster Frank Luntz does for a living. And he's pretty damn good at it. So good, in fact, that Republican politicians and companies hire him to advise them. He has a whole new crop of euphamisms that he's putting out there these days and here they are:

Capitalism > Economic Freedom: In the age of "Occupy Wall Street" (#OWS) capitalism has gotten a very bad rap. If the protesters are to be believed, it's simply not working for 99% of the gereral population. But who's going to argue with the idea of economic freedom? That's what capitalism theoretically represents, right? Now, the net result of this economic "freedom" is that the rich get richer and the middle class gets their ass kicked back down to the ranks of the poor, who get poorer. But if it's not economic freedom, then what is the answer?

Middle Class > Hardworking Taxpayers: Since the middle class is gone anyway, let's get rid of the term, too and dismantle this idea of classism. Having it as part of our political lexicon just reminds everyone that they're missing and that the rich screwed them. Hardworking taxpayers, well, they're everyone. Even the rich are hardworking taxpayers. Sort of.

Government Spending > Waste: The less government is involved in the economy the more money corporations are allowed to make at the expense of everyone and everything else. So let's minimize its contribution by dismissing everything it does as a total and complete waste of money. Of course, if you take all of that government waste out of the equation, the first thing that would happen is a big violent free-for all.

Entreprenuer > Job Creator: Easier to spell! But that's not all! This would make all rich people job creators and all poor people the beneficiaries of the rich people. That's fantastic! Who's going to rise up against a bunch of job creators? Who's going to want to tax the job creators?  Of course, if these job creators were actually creating jobs then we'd have more than we currently have, now wouldn't we?

See how we do that? We just tweak to re-frame and suddenly the people in power are harder to attack. Other advice from Luntz, "Tell the occupiers: 'I get it,' always blame Washington, and never ever say you're willing to compromise. That sounds weak."

So as you start to hear some of these phrases make their way into the public debate, think of Frank. And think, "Bullshit."

 

The First Republican-To-English Dictionary

Heloooo! We are back.

Yes, the Bullshit Observer took a little three year hiatus because it seemed like a sufficient degree of sanity had returned to the world as to make the bullshit observing less consequential. T'was not so. So we're back in the bullshit observing saddle and ready to ride through this really very interesting looking election cycle.

One thing I've been trying to put my finger on is the Republican way of observing the world. My feeling is that IF I understand that, I can start to understand what's happening around me. I was having trouble putting my finger on it because there's just no making sense of it. But I did come across a very helpful Republican Dictionary today over at HuffPo written by a Mr. Jonathan Bines. It is in Mr. Bines's (Bines'?) honor that I flat out copy paste the whole shebang right here for you to enjoy. Because apparently that's what bloggers do.  I thank you Mr. Bines. Really. This helps.

• America (United States of): A country located in the N. Western Hemisphere that is #1.
• Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.
• Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.
• Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted.
• Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely celebrated due to persecution by atheists.
• Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
• Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
• Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.
• Communism: The belief that the government should ever do anything.
• Condescending: Accurately informed.
• Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.
• Corporations: Large people who are overtaxed.
• Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that threaten to bankrupt the country. 2) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don't matter.
• Democrat: A political party.
• Election: A method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be determined by the outcome.
• Elitist: Qualified.
• Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
• Evolution: A theory of human origins that is out there.
• Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by only a majority of Americans.
• Fact: Information that has been verifiably posted to a RedState comment board.
• Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
• Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.
• Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.
• Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama in spite of the many uncanny similarities.
• Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.
• League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for political office.
• Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really.
• Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.
• Media (Mainstream): Where you won't hear things.
• Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
• Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
• Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
• Muslims: Brown people who have it coming.
• News: Fox News
• Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
• Organic: Eaten by lesbians.
• Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of "No Taxation With Representation."
• Poll: A survey used to determine, to within a margin of error, what percentage of Americans are right.
• Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
• Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
• Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is definitely guilty.
• Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.
• Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
• Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.
• Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his Godless left-wing agenda.
• Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
• Socialism: An economic system invented by FDR.
• Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue the lower they are.
• Torture: A method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.
• Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.
• Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.
• Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.
• Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.
• Warming (Global): An anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth's atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn't happening.
• Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
• Yes: (no translation available)

Atheism comes bashing on the door

I'd like to take a moment of your time to talk to you about atheism. We follow the teachings of a man named Charles Darwin and he brought an amazing message to the world. Did you know that God is meaningless, false and irrational?

Help Documentarians Who Are Filming The Gulf Spill

• 6,000,000: The number of gallons of oil that spilled in the first week.
• 840,000: The number of gallons that spill a day. 
• 42,000: The number of gallons of oil per day that BP said were leaking. 
• 11,000,000: The number of gallons of oil that spilled from the Exxon Valdez
• 20,600,000: The estimated number of gallons of oil that have spilled in the gulf as of May 10 (today)
• 8: The number of Gulf of Mexico's fishing ports that rank among the top 20 in the nation by $.
• $10,000,000,000: the value of Florida's recreational/commercial saltwater fishing industry 
• 150,000: The number of jobs in Florida's recreational/commercial saltwater fishing industry.
• $75,000,000: The official legal cap on damages that BP can be held to for economic problems like lost wages or dwindling tourist dollars.
• $10,000,000,000: The amount that some members of Congress want to hold BP accountable for. 

Make you mad? Do something about it. Donate to these documentarians (named Deep Water Films) - one of whom is my sister in law - to help fund their film (I just donated $30, but you can donate any amount you choose).

If you too want to switch our nation's energy diet to clean, renewable energy, then spreading awareness of the hazards of oil consumption is step number 1.

Now here's a graphic representation of what caused the disaster in the first place (download it to see larger here: Download Oil-cause-050710

Happy Mother's Day To Everyone Who Pushed A Human Head Through Their Vagina

Click the image to send this card to your own mother. Love, The BSO.

The "Television Is A Drug" Poem

LOOK AT ME!!!!!

Television is a drug. from Beth Fulton on Vimeo.

NOW LOOK AT ME AGAIN!

The Gulf of Human Understanding

Nice going humans.

Roughly 50,000 barrels of oil per day are now spewing forth from the site of a British Petroleum-operated oil rig off the coast of Louisiana. That means an additional 4.5 million barrels of oil will be added to the 3,850 square mile slick by the time BP and potentially the US Government will be able to cap the leak. It's already the size of Porto Rico approaching the size of Connecticut. Next week it'll be the size of Sarah Palin's ego.

The only positive I can see coming out of this is that the disaster will dampen enthusiasm for the new offshore drilling plans agreed upon by President Obama. That and the money being spent on clean up is a new sort of industry.

The negatives, on the other hand, are multitudinous and include the total massacre of marine life in the gulf, the erasure of entire industries that profit from that life, irreversible damage to the wetlands in at least four coastal states, the poisoning of entire species of shore birds, and the creation of a toxic kill zone the size of Texas.

Way to go! It's relatively hard to do that much damage with one measly explosion. But those guys at BP, they hit the jackpot on this one and it's going to take them a decade to clean it up.

Just so we're clear, people, let's take this opportunity to point out that THIS IS WHY WE DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF DRILLING OIL OFF THE COAST!!!!

No rig = no spill. 

Now, I don't live on the Gulf of Mexico. But the water from that area is connected to the water in every single ocean in the world. We're all on the same blue planet here. So let's act like it and stop doing things that make the blue planet sick. Got it????

Do You Have The Browsing Bug?

Okay buddy, what the hell are you doing here? Seriously. You should be working. Don't you have a Powerpoint to write? TPS reports to collate? A meeting to prepare for? What the hell, dude?

Yes, the Internet is a billion square miles of non-stop carnival sideshows, so if you're having trouble focusing, the blog "Productivity 501" has some good advice to keep you on track. Among the suggestion....HEY! I'm talking to you!...among the suggestions (pay attention pal, I'm almost there)...are:

1) TWO BROWSERS: Two browsers: one for work, one for "exploration".

2) DISCONNECT: Disconnect your brain from the Internet and work from a notepad. Notebooks just have lines and blank spaces, lines and blank spaces. Not much to distract you. Just lines and spaces.

3) TIME AUDIT: Buy a timer, set a task, pick a time period for that task and finish it before the bell goes ding. Repeat.

4) AUTO LOGGING: There are apps that help you track what you're doing on the computer and for how long.

I would add that you should start your day with a list of to-do's specific to that day and then cover them off. You'll notice that dicking around on the Internet doesn't make your list. So don't do it. If you don't have enough on your list each day, then you're not thinking proactively enough.

The 99% Blog has a great tool called The Action Method that they sell (very inexpensive) that's designed specifically for creatives. I haven't used it, but it looks neat.

Rent Your Own Life Like Blow Up Sex Doll

I always thought the blow up sex doll required an extremely advanced sense of imagination to be enjoyable. I mean, how is it humanly possible to ignore the intense stench of plastic, the permanent expression of surprise, and the obvious bonelessness of the thing?

Well, these days in Japan makers of blow up dolls (how'd you like to be a marketer at one of those places?) have gotten wise to this problem and have created a series of dolls that look rather, well, realistic. Disturbingly so, actually. To further mortify you mortifiable web denizens, they have made these lovelies essentially prostitutes that you can rent for a period of time.

I can imagine a Netflix business model emerging at some point. 

Justin Bieber: Society's New Catnip

Click to send to a friend.

So, you want to be like Nike

1. Develop a corporate culture that is ALL about innovation, excellence, and competitiveness. Congrats, you're now among the top 1% of companies.
2. Develop a brand that is about something more than just your product. Something meaningful to real people and differentiated from everyone else.
3. Put together a product development strategy to compliment your new brand strategy.
4. Develop a brilliant tagline, logo, and advertising campaign to establish your brand identity.
5. Be bold and don't be afraid to offend people. Dan Weiden famously said about Nike advertising, "Truth is, if we didn't get a bunch of complaints after we ran an ad, chances are it didn't work."

There, you're done. Now wasn't that easy? (insert sarc-mark here)

In my 15 years of advertising, I've met a lot of companies who say they want to be like Nike.  So they come to their advertising professionals and ask them to create the next Nike. Well, it's just not that easy. Alas, I wish it was.

Your ad people can't make you like Nike. You simply can't be like Nike unless you actually ARE like Nike. Innovation must run deep in the culture of your company. You must take risks. Big ones. You must be willing to develop a million dollar ad and then not run it if it didn't come out right. You must be willing to wake people up. Everyone at your company must want to be the best. You must be willing to chase your competition with a frigging chain saw.

“Our job is to wake up the consumers” says Knight. “If we become predictable, that’s not waking them up.” Phil Knight

So I guess the question goes back to you. Are you like Nike?

If not, then you're much better off if you just try to be yourself.

Pope Breaks Silence on Pedophilia, Says It Was All Jimmy's Idea.

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI broke his recent silence on the clerical abuse scandal Thursday, complaining that the church was under attack but saying that it was really his childhood friend Jimmy Pesarillo, a Jesuit, who came up with the idea in the first place.

The main U.S. victims group immediately dismissed his comments, saying they are meaningless unless Benedict takes concrete steps to safeguard children from pedophile priests.

"I don't care who's idea it was," says a spokesperson for the group, "the Pope runs the catholic thing and he needs to take some accountability and take some action."

Benedict made the remarks during an off-the-cuff homily at a Mass inside the Vatican for members of the Pontifical Biblical Commission.

"I must say, we Christians, even in recent times, have often been wrongly accused of things that we didn't even start. The crusades, witch burnings, things like that. Those were not our ideas. But now under attack from the world, which has been telling us about our sins ... I'm tired of hearing it," Benedict said.

"Hey world, open yourselves to forgiveness ... and let ourselves be transformed. And if you really want to point the finger on this one, it should be in Jimmy's direction. I've got his number still on my iPhone - if I could ever find the thing."

Victims of clerical abuse have long demanded that Benedict take more personal responsibility for clerical abuse, charging that the Vatican orchestrated a culture of cover-up and secrecy that allowed priests to rape and molest children unchecked for decades.

Those demands have intensified in recent weeks as the Vatican and Benedict himself have been accused of blameshifting in handling some cases in Europe and the United States.

"When the Pope can't bring himself to utter the words 'pedophile priest' or 'child sex crimes' or 'cover-ups' or 'complicit bishops,' it's hard to have faith that he is able to honestly and effectively deal with this growing crisis," Serrano said in a statement. "And who the fuck is Jimmy?"

The Folly Of Check-Box Marketing

 

I've been thinking a lot about check-box marketing lately. Basically, it's marketers who use their influence to get things done - a lot of things done- without investing in a process that would involve doing good quality work and supporting the brand in a meaningful way. They cross a lot of items off their to-do list and wind up actually not doing much for anything.

When I think about where I want to work next, I find myself abhorrent to the though of working with check-box marketers (check-box anything, really). Because while I admire the "get it done" attitude, I find that at the end of the day it bankrupted everyone involved (including the brand). You didn't do anything truly worth doing. You didn't learn anything truly worth learning.  People are not left with anything to display to future employers (or even to themselves) that they were particularly proud of. Some of the things they may have done in a situation might have been excellent given the circumstances - poor brief, no time, no money, etc.. But they would not be judged favorably outside of the environment in which they were created.

So I am going to use the next job to double down on quality and really do only excellent work.

Yeah, right. I hear you say. Dream on. 

Watch me.

Why prevent the end of mankind when the ratings are so good.

Tea Party. It ain't for little girls

When I picture a tea party, I see a little girl of 5 years with plastic cups and saucers at a small table with four tiny chairs at which she's assembled her favorite dolls and stuffed animals.

"Would you like some more, Mr. Polka Dot Pants?"

The American Tea Party movement is something very different.  Less imaginary tea and a whole lot more angry white trash. They are the passionate haters that used to be part of the Republican Party because that party was the closest to passionately hating certain things than the other one. Here are some of their claims:

• The Green Movement is a dangerous, subversive element
• Multi-culturalism is a dangerous, subversive element.
• Illegal immigration is leading to the Islamification of America.
• Obama is from Nigeria, not Hawaii. 
• US national security is weakened under the Obama administration

Who runs it? Where did it come from? Who's funding it? Nobody knows. It appears to be a vast collection of groups that have gravitated to this ultra-conservative stance and rallied around the idea of stifling debate by shouting other people down. The idea of the little girl tea party couldn't be further from the reality of this movement. They're numerous and they're angry and they are simply not drinking their chamomile tea. They're drinking cool aid spiked with NOS and crystal meth.